my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Holy sore nipples Batman
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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