I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
