It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
