Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
