I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
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