I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
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