The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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