What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
