I'm lost and stupid without you.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
