giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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