happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
