Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
