HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
love makes seman taste better
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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