Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
