Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
