Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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