wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
3 2 1 whiskey
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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