Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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