Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
