Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
