I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
