I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Found your dick twin last night
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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