i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
