am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
