Please, let me fuck your mom
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
