You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
