Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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