Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
