hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
