the condom got lost in my hair
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Randomize
