quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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