Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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