I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
