I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
