im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
