I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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