I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
