why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
