so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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