"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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