she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
