My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
