my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
