you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
