Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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