6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You did what with his pubic hair?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
