I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
