That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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