First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
