hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
